New Novel Chinese Restaurants Unveils 1990s Politics of Defense Both Foreign and Domestic

In Spring 1992, Washington’s top defense lobbyists hone their best pitches bent on winning the lion’s share of military contracts. Except for Will Day, Director of Public Affairs at Computer Control, Inc., who sits at home trying to write a poem. A first-rate rainmaker, Will leads the congressional princes to the trough term after term, assuring safe harbor for ComCon’s top-flight program QuarterMaster. After 20 years, however, he feels worn out from breeding, feeding, and bleeding the house princes to keep ComCon’s coffers full. This year is no different.

Will longs to return to the days when he hoped to be an English professor working nights as a poet. Rest would come in winsome dreams during days beneath giant campus palm trees. But he has a family now, two misunderstandable teenagers and his lovely demanding wife who also seeks success at ComCon. Will is ready to pack it in, but the rest of the players are not, not at all. And they have their own game plans for what could be the longest year of his career. Chinese Restaurants follows Will as he negotiates what promises to be the most interesting time of his life.

Order your copy now at Amazon.com

New Remembrance of Times Gone By

When an editor of my brother George’s alma mater magazine asked him for a favorite school memory, he sent a 10-page narrative. Upon receiving the story, the editor murmured that he had only expected an anecdote just a few lines long.

The misunderstanding was the editor’s loss in that As I Remember It encapsulates an exceptional cast of students ready to change the world circa the 1960s. And what better way for a brash band of brothers to begin than on a road trip the weekend before exams? Thumbs out to and fro, this new wave of writers traversed a patchwork Midwest sampling the good, the bad, and the innocent without reason, only shared weariness. Decades later, readers might recognize a circadian rhythm familiar in its sameness.

AS I REMEMBER IT

By George Wallace

Correct me if I’m wrong, but as I remember it, we would start the evening downtown at Zal (before he became the celebrated auteur, Zalman King) Lefkowitz’s drab and cheerless coffee house he had founded in an abandoned building, where he’d brightened up the place by painting the walls black.   But it was an amazing place for Grinnell.  It seemed so seedy and sophisticated, for Grinnell.  We sat drinking coke (fortified from our private stock) at candlelit tables, eating the large subs on day-old buns, prepared and served by Dan Fernbach, physicist in the making, (someone I had such affection for, that if I saw him today, I would kiss him on the forehead).   We’d listen to Sam Schuman (before he was joined by Julie Newman in song, or for that matter, Nancy Game in life) perform Josh White songs, accompanied by and interspersed with quiet songs on his nylon-stringed guitar. 

And then we, Peter Cohon (before he was Peter Coyote), Terry Bisson, Ken Schiff and I would wander back to the very cool Paul Vandivort’s room, where Paul would hold bull sessions; after all, he was an upper-classman (class of ’63), he was deadly on a pool table (played snooker growing up) and he smoked a pipe (the smell was transformative), bringing his wise counsel to bear, as he sat in a leather easy chair, backlit by an ornate floor lamp while we sat on his bed or desk chair or the floor, and as Schiff put it, disassembled the universe; twisting, stretching and mauling it, before slapping it back in place, good as new.  Schiff was definitely our intellectual touchstone.  This was reaffirmed when he accosted Sheldon Zitner in a hallway, transfixing him with an explanation of Achilles shield from the Iliad, asking him what he thought, to which Dr. Zitner replied “Schiff, get your thermometer out of my ass.”  We were so fucking envious.  What recognition.  To be featured in such a vignette with Sheldon P. Zitner. 

We were all writers.  We believed in Jack Kerouac and the beats.  We aspired to be Bohemians. We believed that we could forge our lives to serve our art.  Everything was grist for our mills.  Our motto was “Res vero ne impedirent, Non impedit rerum veritatem, Non quae impedirent, in veritate.” which according to my four years of high school church Latin is “Don’t let the facts interfere with the truth.”  (Naturally my motto now is “Il dolce far niente.”)  We recited our written stuff to each other.   Some of it was really good.  Schiff impressed faculty members with his fiction.  And Bisson would recite a poem of his that was so vivid and poignant that, even though I didn’t understand any of it, it embodied for me perfectly the concept of “raw talent.”

Slip, Spring is soon forgotten.

Ruth, We must always remember.

She wasn’t even pretty,

So I wrote “Ruth” in the snow,

In the air….

And thus we would spend the night engrossed in highly significant, and oh so brilliant and always hilarious conversation, (there was certainly alcohol and perhaps drugs involved, but this of course I definitely will not remember) ranging over the whole of human knowledge and experience (mainly ours, and of course, we were all well on our way to knowing everything about everything,) until finally we staggered back to our own rooms to get a little sleep before I had to get up to go to my – what the fuck was I thinking when I signed up for it – eight o’clock art class.     

Of course, it seemed perfectly reasonable when one of us suggested that we should visit Vandivort in Missouri, this was sometime after he had left Grinnell to go back to his home there.  Now, in those days (I have always wanted to use the expression “in those days” and why not, after all we are the class of ‘64, a graduating class from almost the middle of the last century and half a century gone by), so, back in those days, Grinnell College did not allow students to have cars, (although it was said that some miscreant students had rented garages in town where they stashed their contraband vehicles) but not so, we four, for we were all student-broke. 

And just how long could it possibly take to hitch-hike to Cape Girardeau, MO anyhow?  We would have an entire weekend at our disposal. True, in those days, there were no Interstates, those varicose veins of the nation that can be seen from Space, in Iowa.  But it was only about 430 miles from Grinnell to Cape Girardeau, 860 round trip.  I, myself, had personally thumbed from Grinnell to my home on the east coast once, over 1000 miles in 22 hours.  So how long could it take three unsavory-looking, college students in the Midwest of Ed Gein, Charlie Starkweather and ‘In Cold Blood’ to thumb to and from Paul’s place?  Well, as it turns out, it took almost 46 hours.

So, bright and way too early on a Saturday morning, with a clear weekend predicted and without the benefit of hindsight, Cohon, Bisson and I (Schiff begged off with pressing work –obviously, he really was the brains of the outfit) were dropped off outside Grinnell on US 63, by a banned car – I don’t remember whose it was (still have your back, Rich Wall) – where we were kissed goodbye by the girlfriends and where, after a short wait, we were picked up by a salesman in a large, late-model, four porthole, dirty white Buick. We had to help him move boxes of files from his back seat to his trunk, and stash his note pads and forms scattered on the front seat into his glove compartment and then ignore the paper cups, bottles, hamburger bags and candy wrappers littering the floor, kicking them around as we settled in.  As he pulled out into traffic, we smiled and waved, and oh joy, he was on his way to St. Louis.

We passed through Oskaloosa at 85 mph, slowing only at Ottumwa, then the home of my future ex-wife who was probably serving tea to Teddy, Mr. Muggles and Miss Pathetica at that moment.  She would have been ten then.  There we picked up US 34, heading east, slowed through Fairfield where we passed block after block of Ferraris, Lamborghinis, Jaguars, Mercedes Benzes and a large number of high-end motorcycles (obviously, Parsons College, the institution for reprobate rich kids, before it lost its accreditation and became Transcendental Meditation University, didn’t have a proscription against student vehicles) Interspersed were occasional Fords and Chevys, most likely belonging to the Parsons faculty.

And the whole time, our salesman held a monologue for our benefit.  He spoke of being a salesman for National Cash Register, covering the mid-Midwest stretching from Omaha in the west to Rapid City in the north to Minneapolis-St. Paul down to Davenport-Moline and south to St. Louis and Cairo and back west to Kansas City. “I got a great territory for sales,” he said.  “It’s such a great profession. You should think about it. You go all over the place, stay at nice hotels and eat in terrific restaurants and meet the local folk and really get to know them. You learn about their lives and families and problems. And you make great money.”  He was very enthusiastic and then turned pensive. “I hope Kennedy is good for business. Of course he should be, he’s rich.”

“Yeah, you boys should think about it when you get out of school.  You could do worse.  It’s a wonderful profession.  It’s nothing like that god dam stupid movie, ‘Death of a Salesman.’  I watched it once because I thought it would be all about salesmen.”  We could see him getting worked up.  “But it was really about losers. That guy was a loser.  That guy was in the wrong line of work.  That guy should have left that company years ago and found an outfit with a future.  Like I did.  I quit farm sales and went to work for NCR when I figured out that people are always going to go to stores, and stores are always going to need cash registers, and I am always going to be able to sell them to them.”  He appeared very self-satisfied.  No Willie Loman, him.  “It is tough to have a family and be on the road all the time, though.”  He said.  “Me, I’m divorced.”

We had turned south at Mt. Pleasant on 218, had dropped down until it became US 61, crossed into Missouri at St. Francisville, where we stopped for gas and cokes and nuts (purchased by our driver – St. Francis doing his stuff, I guess) and then rode 61 to the far outskirts of St. Louis.  We congratulated ourselves on our amazing progress.  Only seven hours out and we were already close to St. Louis.  To avoid the city, we asked to be dropped off at S109, a two lane country road far removed from the clogged routes of the city proper.

We got a ride after a short wait from a farmer in a seed hat and bib overalls in a car covered with “Jesus Saves,” “Sinners Repent” and “Born Again” stickers.  He was a preacher who farmed, he told us.  He asked us right off the bat, “You boys accepted Christ as your savior?”  Bisson and I mumbled something, while Peter said that he was Jewish, as if that would let him off the hook.  “Chosen people, eh?” the preacher said.   “You know, son,” he told Peter, “it is never too late to open your heart to the Lord.  I believe the ‘end of days’ is near when you got a papist in the Whitehouse.” 

Then he told us that he knows all about college kids and that fornication was all “fun and games while you’re young and willful,” but that we would pay heavy wages down the road in remorse and regret, and then finally in eternal fire.  We figured he had picked us up so he could tell us that.  And it was sort of true.  Except for sweating a missed period now and then, I did think it was all fun and games.  (I still think it is mostly fun and games.)  Then he sighed at our silence, shook his head and maintained a disappointed and disapproving silence until he dropped us at the intersection of Hillsboro House Springs Road and Glade Chapel Road.  It seemed an intersection way too much like the one Cary Grant was dropped off at in “North by Northwest.”  But instead of being harassed by a crop-dusting airplane, we were jolted by a wooden pole which supported telephone lines, for it had carved into it like Dante’s inscription at the Gates of Hell, “Been here 34 36 38 hours and no rides.” 

“Well, he must have gotten a ride before 40 hours were up,” Terry said.

“Quit trying to cheer us up,” I said.

The road disappeared in each cardinal direction into the distance, the edges of the road, the telephone poles and the yellow center lines converging at each route into dots at the horizon.  “That is called the vanishing point,” I said.  “I have had art classes at a famous midwestern liberal arts college, and there I learned that that apparent vanishing point was a breakthrough in perspective.  Occurred during the Italian Renaissance.  All was flat before then.  Everything looked ridiculous. They invented 3D with that vanishing point.  It’s right up there with their discovery that objects appear smaller with distance.”

Bisson said, “How do we know the vanishing point is apparent?  How do we know that the world isn’t circumscribed by what lays between vanishing points?  Maybe reality disappears at the vanishing point behind us and is continually created as we move towards the point in front of us.”

“We know because I have had art classes, and I was told that it is the illusion of vanishing, not the real thing.  I was told this by a professor with a PhD.”  This went on for a while at Hitchcock Corner with its four distinct vanishing points, one of which included a field with converging rows of corn, whose vanishing points were over the horizon. Then a car appeared at the far horizon, speeding toward us. 

I said, “Look there’s the proof that the Italians were right.  It looks small in the distance and gets bigger as it gets closer . . . and then it gets smaller as it goes away from us, the bastard.”

We sat for a while in silence.  An infrequent car’s appearance would have us scrambling up to hold out our thumbs, as the car flashed by.  Then back to being seated at the side of the road.  Then jump up again.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.

Then we sang the blues.  And why wouldn’t we?

Talk about your woman, I wish you could see mine.

Talk about your woman, I wish you could see mine.

Every time she’s lovin’ she bring eyesight to the blind.

Got my mojo working, but it just won’t work on you
Got my mojo working, but it just won’t work on you
I wanna love you so bad till I don’t know what to do
.

T for Texas, T for Tennessee,

I said T for Texas, T for Tennessee,

T for Thelma, who made a fool outta me.

I’m goin’ where the water tastes like wine

I’m goin’ where the water tastes like cherry wine.

Cause that Georgia water taste like cherry wine.

We made up blues lyrics.

            Been on this road so long, it makes me want to cry.

            Oh, I been on this road so long, it makes me want to cry.

           Next time I go see Paul, I’m gonna goddam fly.

One of us figured out that the blues lyrics were in iambic pentameter, and so we sang Shakespeare.

       Will you go on, I pray?   This is the night

            I said will you go on, I pray?  This is the night

         That either makes me or undoes me quite.

And-

            The times are out of joint, Oh cursed spite.

            Oh man, the times are out of joint, oh cursed spite.

         That I was ever born to set them right.

 Later, we stood dumbfounded and unbelieving when a brand-new Cadillac stopped 50 feet up the road.  We ran towards the car, half expecting it to roar off as we approached it.  But it stayed motionless as we climbed in, hesitated momentarily to see that the driver was black, and then thanked him profusely.  As he took off, we realized that it was stifling inside the car.  The driver apologized and said, “Something’s wrong with the air conditioning.  By God, it’s a brand-new car.  If I can’t get it going, I’m going to have to stop and get it fixed, I guess.  You’d think I could get it going since I actually am a rocket scientist.”  The heat continued to pour out.

I was in the back seat, and I tried surreptitiously and unsuccessfully to roll the window down with the power button.  I don’t know whether the power windows also didn’t work, or he had locked out the buttons, but we drove with the fan blowing hot air on us as the driver fiddled continually with the air conditioner controls, mumbling about it under his breath, as if he expected it to spring into operation momentarily and so of course he dare not open the windows in case it did.

“Sorry about it,” he said.  “I have terrible allergies.”  He was on his way to Huntsville, AL after an astrophysics conference in Iowa City.  He actually did work for the Army on the Mercury program rockets, and was working on the rocket which would send a man into space.  He told us he got his PhD at Iowa.  “It’s a fine institution for physics etc.” he said.  “People generally think of MIT and Caltech, but Iowa is right up there.  We’ve got James Van Allen” he said, as if we should know who that was.   “You know, Grinnell is a fine school, too.  If you took the right classes and got good grades, you could get into that program at Iowa.  President Kennedy has made the conquest of space a national priority.  The space race is exploding, and you can get in at the ground floor.  The government is pouring money into it like there is no tomorrow.  And Iowa likes Grinnell graduates.”

Peter thanked him for the info and again for picking us up.  He told our driver that he wasn’t sure that if things were reversed, that if we were three Negro students hitch-hiking, that a white guy would pick us up.

 The driver laughed.  “You aren’t sure?”  He laughed some more.  “Oh man, you can be sure.  You can be damn sure.”  

Finally, he dropped us off and we got out of his blistering hot car, all of us shining with sweat, the cool evening air bringing relief.    We were outside Hillsboro Missouri.

“I think I lost weight.  It was like Cool Hand Luke being put in the box,” Bisson said.  “’I’ll get my mind right, Boss.’”   (And yeah, I know that “Cool Hand Luke” was an award winner in 1967.  So what?  Remember – Res vero ne impedirent, baby.)

I said as the light went golden with the descending sun, “I’m reminded by the reflection off that barn’s tin roof of Rembrandt and chiaroscuro,” once again putting my liberal arts education to excellent use making non-sequitur small talk.

Bisson said, “I didn’t know that Rembrandt was into Brazilian steakhouses.”

“He wasn’t,” I said.  “He was into lite fare.”

We spent the night pacing back and forth, watching oncoming headlights become on-going taillights, until finally with a pink wash across the eastern horizon we got a ride to Festus, MO by a young farm woman, who would have been quite attractive, except she was missing several front teeth.  After another interminable but actually quite a short wait, we were delivered outside Cape Girardeau.  We called Paul and he fetched us to his home.  It was 7:15, Sunday morning.

The Vandivort farm was obviously prosperous, a tree-lined lane leading to a spectacular Victorian house.  We were greeted in the center hall by Paul’s mother, a warm and stylish woman who invited us in, sat us at a large, walnut dining room table set with a silver coffee service, which we attacked and emptied.  She brought us a picture book breakfast of orange juice, eggs, sausage (from their hogs), grits, fried potatoes, toast with butter and little pots of home-made jams, preserves and marmalades, fruit salad with melon and pineapple, pancakes with cinnamon sugar, molasses, sorghum or maple syrup, and lots more coffee.  We ate until we groaned.  She said that the family had already had breakfast earlier, and Paul’s father was off to do chores.  We offered to help with those chores or with the dishes, but she said “Oh, no, leave that to me.  And anyhow, you must be exhausted.”  She offered us beds and we refused, saying that we really had to leave to go back to school. She thanked us for coming and we thanked her for her warm hospitality and the wonderful breakfast.  Paul drove us back to the edge of town, where he had picked us up three hours earlier, and we fumbled out of the car groggy in a food coma.

And then we waited and waited, weary and depressed, which lasted until our first ride.  Jack was a Vietnam combat soldier, a Green Beret who was going home on leave, traveling from Fort Hood, TX to Chicago.  He had left Killeen 11 hours earlier and was hoping to make Chicago without stopping.  His energy seemed fatiguing– he had bought Dexedrine from a friend in San Francisco, had been up since early Friday, his current dose (his third) had kicked in leaving Killeen, and he was afraid his heart couldn’t handle another one.  “But I only get two weeks, so I can’t waste any of it.”

He told us stories of surprise Viet Cong attacks, scary recon patrols in the bush, and boredom hanging out at the firebase.  He told us how alive, how really alive combat made him feel.  “Everything else is just waiting.”  He told of one buddy, “and he was a ‘leg,’” who was supposed to be carrying mortar rounds and C4, but who filled his ammo bag with little brass incense burners he was collecting and chunks of exotic hash that he was smoking.  “That guy was always high, but so was his mortar man, so neither cared that they had no mortar rounds or XOs, just the brass and dope.  They would just sit there, leaning against a tree, with rounds zipping past them and shells going off around them as if they were on a picnic, talking philosophy and smoking their dope.” 

He spoke of gook atrocities and “us doing payback,” calling it “teaching them gooks a permanent lesson and then winning their hearts and minds.”  He spoke of another buddy who would cut the ears off gooks he or someone else had shot. “They were already dead, of course,” he explained.  Then his friend would string the ears on parachute cord and wear them around his neck.  “They would dry out and get real stiff, not a lot of flesh to rot, really, on an ear.” 

Jack said that when some of the guys insinuated that maybe it wasn’t just gook ears his buddy took, naturally it really pissed him off.  “What kind of bullshit is that.  This is a really honorable guy, for chrissake, and a goddam good soldier.”  Turning to us for emphasis, he wandered over the broken yellow line and jerked the car back. We were definitely wide awake now, and freaked and disgusted and revolted.  We thought that it was probably the point of his narrative to freak us out, and it worked. 

  “But that bullshit didn’t stop him,” Jack continued, piling it on.  “He just kept adding ears and it really freaked out the ARVN gooks.  I mean, he didn’t take any of their ears, of course. Ha, ha.  They’re our allies.”  He looked around at us, probably to see how we were taking this.  “He certainly didn’t take any ROK gook ears.  They were tough fuckers, those Koreans.  And they’re our allies too.  Ha ha.”   He kept turning to look at us as he barreled down the road at close to 90.  “Hey, you guys should join up.  President Kennedy has adopted Special Forces.  We are on our way up.  Besides, you’d have a ball jumping out of airplanes.”  

After a while, he stopped talking and a short while later, we watched his head bow and jerk back until, thank god, he finally said, “Hey, do you think one of you guys could drive a little?  I could use some sleep. Be sure and wake me at St. Louis.  And keep it under 80,” as if we would let him sleep on, kidnapping his car and him and driving to Grinnell at 120 miles an hour.  And so, Peter drove as Jack snored beside him.

He left us at the junction of US 61 and SR 141, which was probably the way we should have come on the trip out.  He swore he was fine now, that a little sleep was all he needed to get his second wind and get him the rest of the way to Chi-town. He left us at a truck stop with plenty of traffic, but no rides.  We waited at the stop’s edge with our thumbs out, then walked back to the diner for coffee, then back to thumbs out.  Back and forth as the hours passed.  Back and forth in wired futility.

Finally, Peter approached an older couple getting gas, and explained that we were college students trying to get back to the college in time to take important exams, that our piece of crap car had broken down a ways back and we had abandoned it and gotten a ride this far and could they please help?  They were frightened and unnerved, and finally agreed as if held at gunpoint.  The three of us piled into the back seat, while the elderly guy finished gassing the car, He paid and got behind the wheel next to his wife and a small dog, saying that he certainly knew what it was like to be hard up for money, how little him and his wife had and how they barely got by as it was. But they were always happy to help someone less fortunate than they as much as they could.  And so, Peter offered to pay for gas even though their new, top of the line Olds belied their destitution.  But the man refused with a nervous laugh, saying “You students need to pinch your pennies as much as we do.” 

That small dog that his wife was holding started barking at us, as soon as we got in.  At first, everyone ignored the racket, as though it were possible to ignore.  Finally, the wife started shushing him and pleading with him and apologizing to us for his unwelcoming attitude, “he’s like that with anyone he doesn’t know,” she said.  “He doesn’t mean it.”  The dog continued alternately growling, baring his teeth and snarling, always over-laid with the excruciating barking.  As she hushed him, he seemed to get more frantic, increasing the rhythm of his barking, turning and licking her face and then turning back to us and his rant.  Her apologies too seem to get more frantic, as if she expected one of us would reach over, grab that little fucker and strangle it in front of her eyes.  How very tempting. 

Peter kept reassuring her, that it was all right, that Tennessee Ernie (the curly-haired little monster’s name) just had to get used to us, that he, Peter, knew the pooch didn’t mean it, that he had had dogs too, and they behaved like that at first, and that eventually they came around, and how great it was to have a dog that small and yet that protective of his mistress, and on and on.  And so on, Peter droned soothingly.

So soothingly that, despite the barking, I fell asleep, my head slipping onto Bisson’s shoulder – he was already asleep.  I finally awoke when Bisson stirred, and I felt the car stopping.  The dog was silent. Peter was still reassuring the old couple, but it wasn’t needed.  Tennessee Ernie sat in Peter’s lap, panting and trying to lick him as Peter rubbed his ears.  They were so sorry, but it was as far as they could go.  They said goodbye to Peter by name, wishing him well and luck with his exams, hoping he would get his car back, while giving a perfunctory goodbye to us, and telling Peter how much they enjoyed chatting with him and how sorry they were that they were not going any further and how sorry Tennessee Ernie would be to see him go.  We watched them disappear down the road.  “Well, I’ll be go to hell,” Bisson said, “I think they were close to either taking us to all the way to Grinnell or you home with them, good old Tennessee Ernie Pete.”  It was late, and we were 25 miles from the Iowa border.

A semi hauling toilets picked us up heading for Madison, WI.  “I can take you part way,” the driver said as we piled in, jammed four abreast in the cab.  He wore motorcycle colors and was heavily tattooed.  He ran through the gears with finesse.  We cheered and whooped as we crossed the Des Moines River into Iowa.  We drowsed our way into Mt. Pleasant.  We stopped at an intersection waiting for the green light, when a big ass American car full of local toughs pulled in alongside us.  “Hey beatnik,” one of them called up to me as I sat next to and leaned out the window. 

“Fuck you,” I said. 

“Well, fuck you,” the local said.

“Fuck me, fuck you!  And fuck your mother too while you’re at it,” Bisson said, leaning across me.

With that the light changed and the big ass American car squealed away in a mighty V8 roar. “Yes indeed.  How to win friends and influence people,” the driver laughed.  Then we too lurched forward, with a clatter of gear changes and arrived at the next light and there the semi stopped with much hissing and shuddering.  “Well this is as far as you guys want to go with me,” the driver said.  “You’ll want to go to your left towards Rome and Lockridge,” he said, “I go straight on from here.”

We dismounted from the cab and the truck chugged forward, eventually disappearing with periodic blaps of exhaust.  We crossed the street and started down the road to our left, moving from dim streetlamp to street lamp.  There was not a car in sight.  We sat on the curb.  Eventually, we saw cars in the distance crossing the street behind us, and we saw cars crossing the road ahead of us, their headlights beckoning.  Finally, we saw a car turning onto the street behind us.  We jumped up to hold out our thumbs.  Its headlights found us and shone brightly.  It seemed to be moving very slowly… way too slowly towards us.  It was finally revealed by the street lamps to be the big ass American car, ghosting its way toward us, its mufflers gurgling.  We stood silently, each thinking “Oh shit.”  God, I myself hadn’t been in a fight since high school. 

The car crept up on us and stopped alongside us.  In the pause, I saw that there were five of them, and they looked big and mean.  The one closest to us in front had a dagger tattoo bleeding across his massive forearm.  Then the interior light came on as the doors alongside us – front and back – opened.  The big ass American car sat there with its passenger side doors hanging open, the occupants looking straight ahead – nobody said a word.  Motionless and silent, except for the bubbling of its exhaust.  An oil painting of menace.

And then, before anyone else could move, Bisson jammed himself into the back seat with three of the locals, saying, “Wow, thanks a lot, man.  We thought we would be here all fuckin’ night.”

And so following Bisson’s lead, Peter and I jammed into the front seat with the other two, echoing the yeah, thanks a lot – really appreciate it.  “Been on the road a long time.”

None of us could move, once we had shut the car doors.  We sat there, crushed together, in silence, and Bisson said, “Hey, anywhere we can buy some beer?”

And finally the driver said, “Yeah, I know a place,” and shifted into gear and we rumbled off with a blast of exhaust. 

And we talked and laughed and drank beer and stopped for some more and they drove us the three hours to Grinnell, and we left them with promises to get together, drink some more beer, maybe smoke some dope, and fix them up with college girls, whom they had heard “really put out.”  And as they drove off on their three-hour return trip, we grinned at each other and shook hands and hugged. and stumbled off to our beds, to get a few hours of sleep before Monday classes.

And I woke up, feeling I hadn’t been asleep at all, dreaming of the road unwinding ahead of me for hours, the solid yellow line flickering, trees flashing by in an unnerving strobe, while I sweated on my pillow.  I took a shower, shaved around my beard, dressed and went off to my ‘what the fuck’ 8 o’clock Northern Renaissance Art class, where I slumped down in my seat, head against the back.  And while Charles McMillan, PhD, spoke with soft erudition, I perused the displayed slide of Hieronymus Bosch’s “The Last Judgment” expecting to see someone being hideously tormented while wearing a necklace of human ears.

An Address Revisited In Light of a New Regime

        In 1991, a popular radio program ‘Harris in the Morning’ sponsored a contest regarding the growing threat of worldwide global warming.  DJ Paul Harris asked listeners to urge the United Nations to preserve Earth’s rain forests, critical to curtailing climate change. At that time, devastating global warming looked to peak 100 years in the future. A few meteorologists, however, forecast a growing greenhouse effect that would trap hot air in Earth’s atmosphere, leading to burgeoning severe weather events in just 30 years. Now, 32 years later, heated atmosphere has triggered the worst forest fires, destructive flooding, and record soaring temperatures worldwide, empirical evidence that global warming is upon us.

        Considering this “existential” threat as the advent of regular patterns of general destruction, I thought it might be worthwhile to post my entry to Paul Harris’s Saving the Rain Forests contest. I didn’t win back in 1991. Let us hope we all win by acting to save Earth and our future.

Save the Rain Forests

        Save the rain forests, save the world. Save the human world; give hope of need fulfilled beyond a day; of children as love’s luxury, not labor; of enough to eat from a small, well-nurtured yard; of land, trees, and creatures as moment of beauty, not opportunity. Cajole good-naturedly the rich to invest in the poor; tax countries to give the means and ways to preserve glorious things for glory alone; cite the waste of power and commend austerity for the sake of others. Save the human world; save the rain forests; save the world.

Now Available: A New Novel Malachite Eyes

      I’ve just released a new novel Malachite Eyes, available in paperback at Amazon.com. A departure from other genres in which I’ve written, this tale reaches back just a few years on ground familiar to most of us. You can read a short description below.

Tom Weatherly made it big on the 1970s charts with his signature song “Malachite Eyes.” He lived the good life, money no object and occasional benefits from fulsome young fans. Respected as a rock’n roller, twenty years later he found himself to be a pop star in memory only. And he wanted more.
Reviving his band The Weatherly Experience with his longtime pal Don, he found the young new players to be a handful. At the same time, he felt compelled to contribute to others in in need, both a matter of conscience and a good move for his comeback. While entertaining youngsters in Marbury House, a “safe haven for children,” he met Norah Kealy, a career social worker, the likes of whom he’d never known before.
Malachite Eyes unfolds the rip-roaring results of Tom’s campaign to return to rock super stardom while chasing Norah despite her impression of him as a self-serving, career teenage heartthrob. A rollicking story full of laughter and tears, Malachite Eyes captures the unique spirit of a time not so far in the past.

Order your copy at Amazon.com today.

Read a Rare Story by the Consummate Artist Patrick Wallace

New York, New York: The Dale Roberts Story

            By Pat Wallace

   This all happened years ago, and I’ve got pictures to prove it. Long before The Big Chill, The Wonder Years, the Beatles singing for Nike and The Drifters singing for Citibank Whatever the Hell It Is, there was our band. We were reviving rock’n’roll from the early sixties before any of those guys. There was just the four of us, me, Gene, Chris, and Charlie, but together we created enough noise to do the job of much larger and sophisticated outfits. Anything from the Fab Four to a fully orchestrated Motown hit, we cut with no problems. Years of experience had taught us how to mix up guitar parts to generate a bigger sound, and we knew how to cover horns, keys, strings, whatever. Lots of vocals and harmonies helped. Still, we were best at knocking out one rocker after another, keeping them on the dance floor with the Stones, Kinks, Roy Orbison, lots of people. Did some current stuff, a couple of things, but we were known for that early British invasion rock, and everything we did led back to that. Even the lighter stuff, Stevie Wonder, even the Supremes, we rocked it.

  And we were cool. We never took it seriously, weren’t afraid to lose it in front of the crowd. We’d forget the words here and there; they’d help us out. We never turned down a request, so the fans would try to come up with the most ridiculous things, and we’d do them. Never a dull moment. That’s how we got over. We kept the crowd in it with us. They understood that it was as much their responsibility to keep us entertained as it was ours to entertain them.

Of all the places we’d play—and they followed us all over because nobody else was doing what we did—the most frequented was this little roadhouse on the highway running south of town all the way to Philly. It had been through one incarnation after another – biker bar, dimly lit grown–only rendezvous, family restaurant, biker bar again, family-style joint again, curtains, tablecloths, and a Kiddie Menu. It had even spent some time as so many had as The Dew Drop Inn. Long since renamed, we called it the Dew Drop anyway, although not to the owners’ faces.

We did so well there that the guy who booked entertainment there couldn’t get enough of us. He gave us steady Thursdays, then added one weekend a month on top of that. We were pulling like crazy, they were getting rich, and we actually made a living from playing in a band. It was quite a little scene. My old man was astonished.

It was on one of these three-day weekends that our story begins. You can imagine that, while not having to move our equipment every night was a plus, three nights in the same place was a little rough on everybody. That’s how we arrived at Stump the Band. And soon it was followed by the portion of the show called the Anyone Can Front This Band Portion of the Show. And anyone did. And that’s how we met Dale Roberts.

It was a night of particularly fine talent, as I told the crowd. We had already seen a very corporate-looking woman who had asked that we accompany her on “Heat Wave” (“You know, the one by Linda Ronstadt?”). Yeah, right. So, we kick into it, and she’s singing it in this throaty, melodramatic Beverly Sills Does Martha Reeves kind of style. Afterwards, she says something about it not being fair since she’s a “trained vocalist.” Yeah, well, we’ll call you.

Then there’s a guy who wants to do “Smoke on the Water,” heavy metal’s national anthem at the time. He walks up in front of the band, a guy who looks like the nerd from Central Casting. And he proceeds to throw down the most authoritative, passionate “Smoke” I’ve ever been near, full of swagger and muscle. And his devotion is contagious. We start out playing in an obligatory fashion and end up laying down this thundering groove, like Godzilla just hit town. I glance up from my guitar during the second verse to see him exhorting the crowd with his necktie around his head. His necktie around his head. Our man was chasing that dream, and we were giving him a lift. One of my most gratifying moments in the biz.

  Somebody slipped a note to me during the Metal fest to invite next her friend Dale to the microphone. “He’s too shy to ask,” the note read, “but he’s dying to sing ‘New York, New York,’ with you guys.” Okay, fine. We’ve hacked through that one at a wedding or two, so please, let’s welcome Dale Roberts, ladies and gents.

He’s a short but thick fellow, wiry blond hair starting to disappear in the corners. Thick, rectangular wire-rims sit halfway down his nose. His features are what a real writer might describe as “porcine,” wide, upturned nose, eyes like little slits. I start the little piano-intro thin on guitar, dink, dink, dink-a-dink, as Dale takes stage in a faded yellow polyester, short-sleeve leisure-suit style with complementing navy flares. He’s got a real thick belt, too. The rest of the band falls in as he removes the mike from its stand and does this nervous side to side rocking thing like a kid who has to pee. We play the intro once, coming to a dramatic stop right at the top of the vocal once, but he misses the opportunity. And we start up again up again. Everyone laughs. Next time, he’s ready and we’re off, Dale delivering his version of a big Vegas Showroom tone, not quite operatic, but sort of grandiose. Robert Goulet? Sammy? Certainly not Old Blue Eyes. Meanwhile, I’m mouthing numerical equivalents of the chord changes to Gene, while Chris follows my hands on the fretboard to discern the minors from the majors. I said one thing; Dale knows the words and he knows what he wants to do with them. He’s actually selling it. We progress through two verses, bridge and the payoff with remarkable aplomb, and then build to a spectacular finish, Dale holding onto the last note for all he can get out of it, New-ew Yooooorrrrrrrrrk – and we blow the ending, everyone playing a different note in a different place. This brings down the house, the crowd howling their approval, and Dale blushing as he bows and says thank you into the mike, shakes the hand of every band member, bows again, and returns to his friend’s table. I exchange looks with Gene. He's amused, I’m agog. Heady stuff, this room full of people screaming for a little man who has never opened his mouth in front of a crowd. We decide not to try to follow that, knock out two rockers, and take a break.

  Making my way to the bar, I heard my name shouted by several people. It was Mr. Roberts' entourage, smiling broadly and asking if I could come over. Everybody shook my hand, the last being Dale himself, basking in the aftermath of excitement.

  “Dale, you were a monster up there. Talk about charisma.”

   “Pat, that was the greatest moment of my life, I can never thank you enough.”

“You don’t have to thank me. Just come back and do it again sometime. They loved you.”

He was still engaging me in a handshake. He put his other hand on top to add extra meaning to what he was about to say.

“You know, Pat, my dream has always been to sing like Sinatra. And my other dream has always been to sing in front of the best band there is. And you guys are it, no question.”

“Geez, Dale, I appreciate that, but we’re just some raggedy-ass fuckin’ rock band. It’s not like you’re at Caesar’s or something.”

“Bullshit. Bullshit. That’s bullshit. You guys are the best band that ever played here. Or anywhere.”

“Well, thanks, buddy. Really, the pleasure is ours. I meant it. You can’t imagine how much fun it is to give somebody who never gets to do this a good banc to sing in front of. Plus, you can’t imagine how boring this place gets when you have to play three nights in a row.”

“Pat, you’d never know it, as professional as you guys are. See youse next week.”

I caught up to Gene at the bar. He had observed the whole thing.

“I see you had a word with The Chairman of the Board.”

“Yeah, you were witness to the live performance. I just appeared on his talk show.”

He laughed. “What was he, a little sentimental?”

“You might say that. How’s about we’re the best band there is? And it’s always been his dream to sing with us?”

Gene almost spit out his drink. “You’ve got to be shittin’ me. The best band there is?”

“Well, then he amended it to the best band that ever played here. And all the while he’s holdin’ my hand with both his hands; you know, the extra sincere handshake?”

“That is an honor. It’s always been my dream to be the best band to ever play this shithole.”

“I got more news for you. His last words were ‘see youse next week.’”

“Hey, whatever whenever. Let’s go talk to Big Jim.”

Big Jim worked the door. He could have been the door. More like Round Jim, but man, we loved him. Everybody did. He had survived the last change in ownership by moving from part of the problem to part of the solution. He was an ex-Marine and the victim of some wife or lover or someone who had really taken him for a ride. He had to sell everything he had to stay out of jail, and he had to quit drinking to stay alive. He must have been through more than his share of desperate moments, and now here he was, Harley-Davidson shirt but no Harley, no teeth, no money, standing at the door, making sure everyone was of age and dressed according to the code and pretending it mattered to him. But, man, we loved him. He used to say “just let me know” when we talked about taking him on the road with us as a trouble-shooter. Just let me know. Bib Boy size blue jeans, Harley t-shirt, red suspenders. Red-blond hair. Red-red beard. Soft eyes. Just let me know.



In the weeks that followed, we kept at it, and the talent pool grew and so did the number of spectators. It was becoming a rather popular phenomenon with people we never saw before dropping in to sing with the band. One guy was a theatre student at the nearby college, and he had Elvis Presley down, I mean down, hips and all. He was tall, handsome, brown-haired, and built like a linebacker. His acting teacher had said a man like him was destined to play nothing but stevedores, so from then on, he was introduced as Steve Adore, the King of Rock and Roll. The crowd loved this, and he became a regular attraction. Sometimes we’d just kick into the opening chords of “Jailhouse Rock” and the loyal would go nuts in anticipation of Mr. Adore, clapping and whistling as he approached the stage. Those partial to Elvis would scramble to the dance floor, so much so that we’d keep Steve up for another, then another. By the time winter came, our Elvis repertoire had reached about ten songs. We could do a whole set with this guy if it weren’t for the other participants.

Then there was Dave Wrigley. Here was another strapping young man, this time an amateur hockey player. How anyone could play a game like hockey for nothing was a mystery to me, but he loved the game and he loved to sing. I just couldn’t believe what came out when he opened his mouth. His number was “Under the Boardwalk,” and he sang it in a key that no tenor could hit. It was like listening to someone sing with a lungful of helium. We graciously provided back-up vocals to the experience, and a good time was had by all. He, too, became a regular.

But it was only a matter of time until the crowd could no longer wait. They wanted Dale Roberts. We pulled various stunts to heighten the anticipation, like saving Dale until last or at least until the first real lull. I started out calling him by name, but eventually I would just ask the crowd, “Is it time? Is it time?” They would go nuts, shouting, “Dale! Dale! Dale!” After a few weeks of this, we finally arrived at the decision to just start the piano intro played on guitar, dink, dink, dink-a-dink, dink, dink, dink-a-dink, dink, dink, dink-a-dink, stop. A second or two would pass before the din would rise. Then we’d do it again, dink-a-dink, stop. More bedlam. Finally, we’d kick into the opening groove for real, and I would announce in my cheesiest, public -address voice, “Ladies and gentlemen, won’t you please welcome to the stage, appearing with us for the umpteenth week in a row, back by popular demand, The Voice, The Chairman of the Board, Old Brown Eyes himself; ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the One, the Only, DALE ROBERTS!!!!!”

Total, utter madness. Unbelievable. You couldn’t hear yourself think, we couldn’t even hear our amplifiers, and we were standing right in front of them. People on their feet, on the tables, and on the couches of that special casual living-room style get-acquainted area that made this place different from all the other joints with special casual living-room style get-acquainted areas of their own. People clapping, whistling, screaming, stamping their feet and pounding on the tables. This was probably not what the management had in mind.

For his part, Dale wouldn’t let this adulation go completely to his head, although sometimes he’d nudge me about the band playing too fast or slow. Like it was his reputation on the line, which we thought was a riot. Or he’d make some good-natured crack into the mike about us, which the people loved. But mostly he was humble and appreciative for the attention. He was happy to sit patiently through all the other acts, knowing his moment was approaching.

One could track a noticeable change in Dale over this period. After several weeks of stardom, he appeared one night in contact lenses. Maybe he had planned to get them all along, one suggestion during the band’s speculation on the ride home that night. He changed his mode of dress too, wearing more elegant polyester, herding those wandering collars a little closer to home, changing his hairstyle. Not quite a metamorphosis, but he showed some effort and provided band-ride-home fodder for some time.

He became more comfortable on stage, too. He liked to speak to the crowd over the band intro a bit, using the classic Blue-eyes isms about this being a beautiful melody and a marvelous lyric, and it goes a little something like this, timing his remarks to coincide with the next stop so he could sing “Start spreadin’ the news,” without any accompaniment. And off we’d go. He was much more comfortable with his singing as well, but he couldn’t seem to lose that side-to-side may-I-be-excused thing. Whatever. They loved him. The whole thing, the musical tease, the crowd response, my intro to Dale, the crowd response to that, Dale’s voiceover, and the song—it was beginning to add up to a lot of time. We may have been able to do a whole set with Steve Adore, but with Dale we were practically filling the same amount of time with one song. Hardly seemed like work for us. One night, Dale said as an aside to the band but so everyone could hear, “You think it takes Sinatra this long to get started?” Everybody died.

The members of the band had a big argument over where to play on New Year’s Eve. It was probably the most lucrative night of the year for musicians, and we were not without our share of offers. The disagreement was over which engagement would provide the best party and the proper dollars. We had been burned in the past by good- money bad room, good-money-good-room bad crowd, and good-money good-room good-crowd bad food. Around and around we went, until Gene dropped the following bomb.

“Well, Bill at the Dew Drop wants us. He’ll give us the money we want, and he says he’s gonna really put on a party.”

Me. “What? Not the fuckin’ Dew Drop. Why don’t we just play there three hundred and sixty-fuckin’-five fuckin’ days a year?”

“Look, last year he had a disaster down there, nobody showed up, and he lost a lot of money. Now, he’s been pretty good to us and he needs somebody who’s guaranteed to pull some people. He wanted us last year and I said no, maybe next year. Now it’s next year and I don’t want to screw the guy. He happens to represent a lot of work for us the whole year round.”

“Ahhhhh fuck,” I muttered. “I’m so sick of that fuckin’ place we gig there in my fuckin’ sleep. All right, all right, okay, I’m in.”

“Thanks, man,” Gene said.

“Nuts. I was pretty decisive there for just a second, wasn’t I?”

“You were a tiger.”

“Nuts.

So, we did it. We wore what we thought would be the appropriate bastardization of New Year’s attire, and we hung stuff all over our equipment, and we did it. Just as we were starting, maybe just a couple of songs into the first set, in walked one of those balloon delivery people in a gorilla suit. Its fur was augmented by a Victoria’s Secret get-up, push-up bra, garter belt, stockings, even gloves up the elbows. I signaled to the guys to wait a second before starting the next son so whoever the lucky recipient was could enjoy whatever the gorilla had to say.

The lucky recipient was me. Ms. Kong came up on stage and read some dirty poem into the microphone, then set up a cassette player with the help of Charlie, that jerk. She turned it on and did a striptease to the thudding sex-beat on the tape. I was professionally bound to pretend I was enjoying the show, no sense coming off like a spoilsport on New Year’s Eve. All the time I had on a strained, wooden smile, I was trying to figure out which of my band buddies pulled this gag. Gene? Too cheap. Charlie? Maybe. His tastes certainly ran to the juvenile. How about Chris? Yeah, Chris. Never said much. Always in the background. Yup, Chris. Quiet. Shifty. Conspiratorial.

No such luck. After her sexy dance, in which among other things she slowly removed a glove and laid it around my neck, Gorilla Goddess handed me an envelope, the contents of which read, “Sorry I couldn’t be there, I’m sure it will be a blast, all the best to you and the guys, Happy New Year from the Man, the Myth, the Legend, Dale Roberts.”

I wanted to kill him.

Next Thursday came and there was Dale, freshly recovered from whatever New Year’s he’d had, ready to step up to the mike. He had on a sport coat and tie by now, the latter of which he was fond of loosening during his introductory remarks. Men at work in Nightclub America.

“Pat, did you get my little New Year’s gift?”

“Oh, yeah. Very stimulating.”

“I thought you might enjoy that,” he said chortling. “I told him to go right for you. Did you know that it was really a guy? We always used him at the office when it’s somebody’s birthday or anniversary, you know, like that.”

“Incredible. A Female gorilla Impersonator.”

“I knew you’d like it.”

“Oh, Dale, I just loved it. Don’t ever do that again.”

“Oh, come on, Patty.” He laughed and laughed.

A guy was talking to Gene while Dale and I were at it. Something about it stayed with me. The guy was dressed collegiate, but he was more like our age. They finished with plenty of nodding, shook hands, and Gene caught up with me at the bar.

“Who was that?”

“Prepare yourself for a shock.”

“What now?”

“You better sit down.”

“What? What? What?” What is this shit I wondered. A gig? Local newspaper? Television? Record people?

Gene leaned in close and spoke slowly and dramatically. “You know the broad who comes every week with her friends, and they all look like secretaries or businesswomen or something? And they always sit in the same booth on the far wall, and they never look like they’re having any fun?”

“Yeah, yeah. The librarians.”

“Right, the Librarians. So, the dude I’m just talking to is the fiancé of the one who’s like the Head Librarian, the one who always says hi when you or I walk by that way.”

“Yeah, right, right, uh, Cindy, right?”

“Right, Cindy. That’s them sitting over there on the couch.”

“Oh, yeah, right. I didn’t recognize her since she relocated. Real nice couple. So what?”

He leaned in closer. “So, they’re getting married.”

“Lovely. I’m all for that. I happen to have a great deal of regard for the institution. My parents were a married couple, you know. Presumably they’ll need a band.”

“Yeah, they need a band,” Gene said, “but they’ve decided to settle for us.”

I laughed, “Okay, so, so what? What is it you’re trying to tell me, ‘Lover’?”

Gene straightened up to take a long hit on his scotch. He looked me in the eye, leaned back in and began again.

“What they want, ‘precious,’ is to have us play their reception. But that’s not all. They also want Dale Roberts to sing ‘New York, New York.’ And they’re willing to pay some serious dinero to get him.”

Picture a guy doing a double-take so ferocious that he almost falls off a barstool. “They want what? Are they nuts?”

“How do I know? Maybe they’re bummed out the Gong Show go canceled. Listen, these guys come here every week, like clockwork. They think we’re the balls and they think Dale is the funniest thing they’ve ever seen. They just want the whole package. They realized it will mean an extra charge on top of our normally exorbitant fee, but that’s what they want.”

“But, Gene, how much can we nail them for to have Dale come along to sing one fuckin’ song? And what are we gonna pay Dale to come along and sing one fuckin’ song?”

“Fuck, man, Dale will do it for nothin’. Besides, maybe we can get him to sing some of that lame wedding shit that you can’t stand.”

I thought it over. “Nah. Let’s just give him some dough, have him do his little thing. No sense courting disaster. Make the deal.”

“Dad, I knew you’d see it my way.”

Dale as might be expected, was thrilled. He went right over and thanked Mr. and Mrs. to-be Cindy Librarian, much to our chagrin. Can’t look too appreciative, Dale baby. Affects the bargaining position. No groveling please, we’re professionals.


The main event took place about six weeks later in the social hall attached to a firehouse not far from the club. It was the usual painted cinder-block affair, ribbons and balloons, two types of vegetables with the gray roast beef. We met Dale at the Dew Drop and left his car there so we could all ride out together. He had gotten, of all things, a perm and had stuffed himself into a three-piece suit. We sported the official “band wedding look,” white shirts, ties, no jacket, blue jeans, and sneakers. On the way over we joked about Dale not stealing the thunder from the newlyweds, and telling the paparazzi that “Mr. Roberts don’t like no cameras, y’ hear?”

Naturally, we had to arrive an hour or so early to set up our stuff before the wedding party arrived from the church. Dale insisted on carrying his share of gear, running electrical cords and the like. “We’re in this together, gentlemen,” he said.

“Dale, you ain’t nervous, are you?” Chris said, leading me to look at him. Dale had helped lug all this stuff in without taking off his jacket. He was seriously sweating around the brow and neck.

“Well, you know,” he panted, “I know this is old hat to you guys, but it really is exciting for me. I mean, actually playing a paying job, not that I’m doing more than one song. But, you know, it’s really cool to see things from this side, setting up and all. Hell, I’m just a rookie, an amateur.”

Chris laughed, “Dale, anytime you want to experience the thrill of setting up the gear, just let me know. I’ll come pick you up.”

“Listen, buddy,” I said, “you were a real help getting us ready for this, and what’s more, you had something to do with us getting this job. And I’ll tell you something else;” I turned to look right at him, “You ain’t no rookie.” He liked that.

It was some party. The bride and groom told us to save Dale until the end of the first set, to make sure everyone arrived in time to catch him. We’d start out with the lighter stuff, a couple of Beatles songs, a few cornball standards for the older folk, lots of slow-dance jobs. We didn’t mind. We could wait until Ma and Pa got tired and sat one out. Our time would come later when everybody was a little loose. Then we’d tear it up.

It didn’t work out that way. Every once in a while, you play a job where the crowd is ready to have a good time, that they’re workin’ the band, not the other way around. It’s the hardest you’ll ever work and it’s the most gratifying you’ll ever feel. By the third song, they were dancing in their crepe and chiffon, and their satin and silk, singing along from the dance floor, calling to the band to crank it up another notch, stripping away neckties and jackets, scarves and wraps and ladies please remove your shoes if you desire. By halfway through the set, we had three bridesmaids onstage singing backup to a Marvin Gaye tune, we had ushers wearing cummerbunds around their heads, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles yelling “rock’n’roll!” I looked at Gene at one point, asking him with my eyes, “How are we gonna sustain four hours of this?”

Finally, Dale’s moment had arrived. A gasp of recognition swept the room as Chris started into the dink-a-dink, people scrambling around to make sure nobody missed it, this is the guy we told you about. By the second time around, the floor was packed, everybody was swaying in time to the music, eyes locked on the stage. The few people left at the tables were standing to get a clear view. A couple of waitresses stopped what they were doing, setting down water pitchers and interrupting the loading of trays with used dishes and utensils. They could sense something different was about to happen. I began.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” I announced, pausing early and often, as the band swung the intro lightly in the background, “we are so delighted to have been given the opportunity to be here tonight to celebrate with you the union of Jack and Cindy in Holy Matrimony. Let’s give ‘em a big hand.”

Wild applause.

“And I think it’s only fitting that two people as unique and special as Jack and Cindy have found each other. Just goes to show there’s someone somewhere for everyone.” Big laughs and whistling.

“And furthermore, I think that only to personalities as unique as these two would be inspired to include that which you are about to see as part of tonight’s entertainment.”

Now they were starting to drool. Three young men in white serving coats came out of the kitchen to see what all the commotion was about.

“What you’re about to see began as a dream, was nurtured and encouraged to blossom into a reality, over night became an institution, and is soon to pass into the realm of legend.”

They had hands raised above their heads now, and the noise level was unbelievable. I picked up the pace.

“It is a singular honor and gives me great pleasure to introduce to you now, direct from a six-month-and-counting engagement at the fabulous Dew Drop Inn; ladies and gentlemen, please give it all you got for the man, the myth the legend …

            “DALE . . . ROBERTS !!!!!”

It’s been quite a few years now, and a lot has happened. That band ran its course, and we parted friends. Once everyone else hopped on the Sixties-revivalist bandwagon, we realized we no longer had anything that special. Chris and Charlie moved on to other bands, other lives. I think they’re still playing together somewhere. Gene went back to school and, within a year or so, he was a high-level computer-tech guy. He still blasts that ole guitar rock and R&B in his car on his way to work. Crazy driver.

I left town. Been back a few times, but I’ve only made it down to the Dew Droop once. It was only a little different than we had left it; new tablecloths and what have you. Big Jim’s still there. I asked him if he’d seen Dale lately, and he said that Dale used to come in every once in a while, after our band stopped playing there, but he hadn’t seen him now in more than a year. Didn’t know what he was up to, but boy, would he be sorry he wasn’t here tonight.

Big Jim’s a good guy. And Dale, if you’re out there, remember baby, anytime, any night, any stage; if you wanna start spreadin’ the news, I’m ready. Just let me know.

First, Last Story by Pat Wallace

Known for his excellence as a rocking R&B musician, brother Patrick was celebrated for his decades playing sweet music in the greater Boston, MA, area. He drew high praise as well from his friends and fans in Pennsylvania’s Lehigh Valley, where he grew up. Everyone who knew Pat loved him for his unfailing generosity of spirit, never mind their wonder at his sense of humor and amazing widespread knowledge. His music drew fans, yet he also defined autodidact and excellence in many other fields, especially storytelling. We all lost him on this date a year ago, sorrow hard to stem. In honor of his warmth and unassuming brilliance, read posted here one of his few written works, New York, New York: The Dale Roberts Story a perfect joining of his immense ken of music and human nature.

New Story by Jim O’Donnell, Author of Maybe Tomorrow

OMG

by

Jim O’Donnell

To surrender dreams—this may be madness.”  Cervantes

  "Need I remind you gentlemen that golf is still the only sport to be played on the moon?”

  At the front of the tee box, Corky made a point of turning completely around and facing his companions to deliver this utterance, as if to lend it gravitas. He bowed awkwardly, his ample stomach threatening his balance. A small, white towel hooked to a belt loop of his trousers appeared to wave surrender. In every direction, green vegetation watered by showers in the first week of May greeted the four Portland golfers, gray hair sticking out from the sides of their feed caps, their overall garb looking like it did double duty in urban pea patches. Amid the verdant surroundings, the moon reference loomed oddly out of place. The other men stood at a safe distance behind Corky as he prepared to tee off on Eastmoreland’s first hole. All were of retirement age. Two were accustomed to these occasional stilted pronouncements from their playing partner, who once on the course quickly switched speech patterns to a decidedly saltier variety. Corky could swear a blue streak after a muffed chip, a sudden shank, or a yipped putt, all those firmly established in his golf repertoire. Louis, the newest addition to the group, hadn’t witnessed all of those yet, but he did know that Corky took a lot of flak from his best “frenemy.”
  “Hit the damn ball, will ya, please?” rasped Mac, rumored to be a distant cousin of Corky’s, though Mac did his darndest to dispel such talk. They had grown up in the same small town and advanced unremarkably in the same school class. But little physical resemblance existed, Mac lanky and raw boned, Corky short and stout. “Hell,” Mac had once said to their buddy Birdie, “everyone in Boring is probably related if you want to dig back a few hundred years. Maybe Corky and I share an abominable ancestor. I’m happy to say no one has been able to pin down that woeful creature.”
  Mac had loosened up his torso swinging a pair of clubs vigorously back and forth over his right shoulder a few times. He resembled a power-hitting ballplayer in the on-deck circle, ready to belt a ball out of the park. No trace of a smile. He was raring to go. He disdained taking even a few practice putts on the adjacent putting green. The morning was wasting away. At any moment the sun might disappear in the increasingly lowering sky. Mac’s golf swing was considerably smoother and more predictable than Corky’s, though his penchant to swing for the fences on par-fives had earned him the nickname “MacTrouble.” He could hit balls into distant godforsaken areas to both the left and the right when he decided to “let out shaft.” Sure, he might have a birdie or two on most of his scorecards, but those big numbers showed up often, too. This had been the case ever since the two began playing on the “homemade” courses around Boring, especially Top o’Scott, now gone, but once renowned for its bucolic beauty and the trickiness of its greens. Small-stakes gambling got into their blood there. When they graduated from high school and sought jobs and more excitement—yes, their town lived up to its name—they headed to nearby Portland. Corky worked in a warehouse, often evenings, while Mac started his own printing business. They lived only a few blocks apart on the city’s east side.
Birdie, the remaining member of the group, had run into Corky and Mac years earlier when they began frequenting his diner, the E-Z Duz It, in Moreland, only a short distance from the golf course. He overheard them razzing each other about the round they had just endured one spring day on sodden turf. As much to keep the peace as out of any true interest, he interjected with the old one-liner about “golf” being “flog” spelled backward. Corky and Mac recognized a fellow sufferer right away, and before Birdie knew what had happened, he had agreed to join them a few days later at Eastmoreland for what turned out to be the first of many such shared rounds over the past two decades. They didn’t have a regular fourth, few people having the patience to deal with Corky’s apoplectic outbursts, Mac’s ceaseless teasing of Corky, or maybe the combination. Birdie stolidly continued his role of peacemaker, and the stories he would later recount back at the diner became a welcome staple for other customers. He decided Corky and Mac were actually good for business.
Though supposedly retired, Birdie still showed up at the restaurant most days. His son, Bogey, ran it now, catering to a younger crowd at night. Birdie helped out by opening some mornings and mixing up his special recipe for the diner’s signature ribs. Happily, he had more time for golf. So did Corky and Mac, who ditched the working life before they even reached sixty-five. They could play as much golf as they wanted. Only the weather and their various aches and maladies capped the rounds at two or three a week. Eastmoreland was not their only haunt. In fact, it was at another city course, Rose City, several miles to the north, where they had just a week earlier made the acquaintance of Louis, a recent émigré from Spokane, added to the group at the last minute by the course starter. Louis, a quiet but affable fellow, ended up breaking 80 on a course he never played before, so despite finding the dynamics of the three locals rather odd, he agreed to meet them at Eastmoreland for another round. Who knew? Maybe they had brought him good luck. Plus, he didn’t yet have regular partners in Portland, and they were all close in age, late 60s. He appreciated Birdie’s offer of another round together.
They had flipped tees for partners, deciding on a best-ball game, quarter a hole with bonus quarters for birdies.
“We also compete for closest-to-the-pin on par-threes,” Birdie told Louis. “Getting down from a bunker in two or less strokes is a bonus, too.”
“Yeah, we played sandies in Spokane. A little extra motivation.”
Even with carry-overs for tied holes, the amount won or lost wouldn’t break the bank. The two old friends cum adversaries made up one team, with Corky getting two strokes a side, and Birdie one. Louis’s game was still relatively unknown to the others, but they had concluded from the first round that Mac and Louis were close in skill.
“We have honors, Cork, not ownership of the tee,” Mac snapped. “We’ll finish in darkness at this rate.”
Corky finally swung, a somewhat outside-in lunge at the ball, which resulted in a soft blooper down the left center of the fairway with a slice arc bringing it close to the middle, about 170 yards off the tee. He didn’t wince, seemingly content with the effort. Mac grumbled a bit as he gently prodded Corky with the business end of his driver. “No need to admire it. I’m sure the blimp got a good photo.”
Grinning idiotically at the others, Corky made way for Mac. “Don’t be jealous, pard. I bet you can find the fairway, too, if you pay heed to the Master.”
Mac snorted and took a few quick practice swings before hitting a towering shot, hooking before landing in the shallow rough on the left side, just past a carefully trimmed row of Western red cedars. No roll there, but he would probably have a clear shot, just a pitching wedge to the green.
Louis glanced at the scorecard as Birdie took a nonchalant practice swing. Only 292 yards from the white tees the card stated, an easy opening hole. Louis could see that the fairway was suitably wide for the first 200 yards, a bunker lying on the right side beyond that point. A few yards further on stood a mature Oregon Ash, with long branches that reached out over the right side of the fairway, a possible obstruction. Maybe a drive to the left center would be best, he calculated, just beyond the point Birdie had landed his shot in the interim.
“Down the middle again, eh, Birdie,” Corky growled. “Don’t you ever get bored?”
“Neither here nor in the kitchen,” Birdie replied.
Louis knew this chatter would continue throughout the round, but the others were silent as he drew back his driver just past the three-quarters mark and delivered a solid blow straight down the middle. Not as hard, though, as he usually swung. This was a hole that didn’t need his best, just something leaving a gap wedge to the green. The ball landed almost exactly where he intended, a bit shy of 250 yards.
“The pro from Spokane, or is it Dover?” Birdie chirped, something he picked up from a M*A*S*H TV episode.
“You won’t think that if we play much together,” Louis replied as he lifted his tee out of the ground. “My A-game can disappear in a blink.”
Following the others with his three-wheeled pushcart, the choice of all four golfers, Louis took time to take in the other features of the hole. He was glad he hadn’t pushed the ball into the grove of mid-size trees on the right, a mix of Cedar of Lebanon, Port Orford Cedar, and Norway Spruce, varieties known to him and his wife from the plant nursery they had operated in Spokane. He took pleasure in noting varieties on golf courses. To the right was a tall chain-link fence and beyond that, light-rail tracks sitting high on an overlooking embankment that ran parallel to the hole. In Scotland, this would be known as a railroad hole, but the quiet movement of the MAX trains belied that identity. A pleasant prospect for riders, Louis thought, weekday commuters wishing they, too, could spend an idle day on a golf course. However, for a golfer teeing off, going right was totally undesirable. No way to hit the green, he saw, had he gone into the grove, despite it being pruned of dead limbs and swept clean. On the left side of the fairway, past the narrow strip of tamed rough, ranged the hedge of cedars separating the hole from what looked like a practice range, though now empty. Just as bad as the right side, Louis recognized, silently patting himself on the back for his conservative play. Now he had a good birdie chance.
He stopped to watch Corky pull his second shot sharply left and short of the green, possibly into a bunker, one hidden from the tee. Birdie wasted no time hitting his second, catching a little too much turf, leaving his ball just short of the green. Maybe a bit damp there in front from that morning’s watering by the sprinklers. Louis made a mental note to land his ball on the green, no pitch and run across the apron. Mac, though about equidistant from the tee with Louis, was away because of the angle. Swinging quickly, he lofted the ball slightly to the right, and after plopping down on the green, it rolled off the right side out of view. None of the three were on the green.
Though only 50 yards remained, Louis couldn’t clearly see the green’s contours. He hesitated and thought about walking up to take a peek, but he didn’t want to come across as a prima donna. Quick play was a virtue he appreciated.
“Should we tell him?” Mac asked in the background.
“Nah,” Corky replied flatly.
Louis heard them, but he had this under control. He took aim at the pin placement in the center of the green, and with a choked-up grip on his wedge, flighted the ball high and soft, landing about ten feet short of the hole and rolling slowly forward. Was it going in? He flinched as the ball trickled past the hole. So close. But wait—what was happening? The ball continued to roll, very slowly at first, picking up speed as it moved downhill and right. It hadn’t held the green.
As he walked his cart to the right of the green, he passed Mac’s ball lying on the fringe. His own ball was several feet off the back in a patchy area of the apron. His next shot would be either a chip or a putt going sharply uphill and breaking left. He watched as Corky’s bunker shot skittered past him, stopping five yards over the green. Corky was sputtering obscenities aplenty now. Birdie chipped on, but obviously cautioned by the speed of the surface, hit the ball too softly, leaving a tricky, side-hill fifteen-footer for par. Corky, only a bit cooled down, ran his chip past the hole some twenty feet. Mac showed a better touch and chipped to six inches short, within gimme range. That left Louis to see if he could match or better Mac. How hard to hit the putt? A bit of moisture on the surface, he realized too late, as he proceeded to leave the putt six feet short. Both Corky and Birdie two putted, leaving Louis to make a treacherous uphill, left breaking putt. He stroked it confidently, not too hard he thought. It spun out of the hole at the right edge. Not even a par after that perfectly placed drive.
He said nothing as he bent down to retrieve his ball. When he straightened up, there stood Birdie to give him a sympathetic smile and a pat on the shoulder. “You’ve been initiated, my friend. Welcome to the shortest par-five in Oregon.”
Louis knew how the first hole could affect their attitude in a round. Par that hole or, even better, birdie it, and you feel that you can get something going. Maybe a long string of good holes, a chance for a season-best score. The second fairway always looks wider. While bogeying the first hole is not always a disaster, doing that with extra short shots around the green, the outcome is downright galling and can ruin the mood of all but the most unflappable golfers.
Despite his team winning the hole, Corky let his mood drop deeper than the others. A double-bogey stung on such a short hole. He didn’t say anything, but temporarily distracted himself with a blind reach into the bottom pocket of his golf bag to change balls, and thereby, presumably, his luck. The others said nothing. On the tee, with a quick glance back at his partner, Mac whistled a few bars of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly theme. Another quick swing by him produced a repeat high hook down the left side. He stepped aside for his partner. Corky silently sent a low liner that almost stayed in the fairway on the right side, less than 200 yards off the tee. Birdie and Louis hit respectable drives down the middle, but only Louis had a realistic shot at the green in two shots on this long, flat par-four, another railroad hole.
As he hoped, Louis got his par, and everyone else, a bogey. The mood of the group picked up through holes three and four, Corky having settled down. Birdie confided in his partner on strategies for the two holes, both doglegs left par-fours, suggesting a three-metal for the third tee.
“If you draw the ball well, you can shorten this hole considerably. Hitting a driver right, though, a longer hitter like you risks going out of bounds.”
Everyone skirted the tall trees on the left, but the green that dipped below the fairway left Louis guessing on where to land his second shot. Bouncing the ball forward off the front apron, he saw it roll twenty feet past the hole. He felt fortunate to escape with a par, matching Mac.
At first, the view from the fourth tee at suggested a similar strategy. Birdie let Louis know, however, that a straight ball was the play.
“There’s room to hit driver here, but I strongly suggest avoiding the left. Going into those trees usually means having to chip out, not worth the risk. I think you will find this green more receptive than the last, though.”
Louis did hit the green in two after a straight drive but ended up three-putting. Mac had one of those chip-outs from the trees on the left, so he bogeyed like everyone else did. These were tricky holes, Louis noted. Position off the tree was crucial. The flatness of these first few holes did not fool him; he knew how courses in the Northwest could suddenly change terrains. The doglegs presented some adjustments in his approach, but he could draw the ball fairly effectively when needed. While he waited his turn, he again admired all the tall cedars and massive sequoias separating the holes, with smaller deciduous trees in the mix, many of them flowering. In Spokane, ponderosa pines were the dominant species, along with larch and aspen, all trees that could withstand a drought. Here, on the west side of the Cascades, trees grew tall and thick with the plentiful moisture outside the summer months.
Each of the first four greens sported distinctive features, maybe the main defense of the course, Louis speculated. Subtle breaks challenged even experienced golfers. Many greens bore a slant to one side. The smooth putting surfaces, a pleasant surprise for early May, reflected a savvy and diligent head greenskeeper, Louis thought.
“My compliments to the super. He knows what he’s doing with these greens.”
“Actually, ‘he’ is a ‘she,’” replied Birdie. “Yessir, she’s a good one.”
“Could she get the money to put in a tram for old guys like us?” Louis asked, the four of them huffing and puffing on the long, steep path, replete with a switchback, up to the fifth tee. He was right about the mix of terrain.
Mac laughed. “No way that’s happening. A tram would cut into the power cart rentals. The front nine is more or less flat except for the up and down here.”
When he stepped onto the tee, Louis surveyed the steep drop-off to the green below. “The hole looks inviting enough,” he remarked to Birdie. “Maybe one less club, huh, because it’s downhill. And this green looks relatively level.”
“I like your confidence, Louis. Hope it’s contagious. Yes, this green is less puzzling than the ones we’ve played, but wait until the next hole.”
An even split between pars and bogeys ensued on the par-three. The teams stayed tied. A par-five dogleg right awaited them, with a border of birches and alders running all along the left side and a grove of tall evergreens at the corner on the right. A big push to the right and the ball risked going out of bounds and with a hard bounce on the street up onto a neighboring lawn.
“In the summer any drive up the middle might eventually run down into the trees on the left,” Birdie noted. “If you can cut the ball, this is the time. Otherwise, aim to the right side and hope the ground isn’t just hardpan if you miss your spot.”
All but Mac found the fairway. Again, he had a draw on the ball that didn’t play well and rolled down into the trees. “I think you jinxed me, Birdie,” he said facetiously.
“Time for an adjustment, don’t you think?” Corky said, his sarcasm emerging. “You’ve hooked every drive so far—further left than Bernie Sanders.”
Looking down the fairway, Louis could see that the remaining two hundred fifty yards covered terrain slanting hard right to left. He figured a hybrid two was the right play to have a reasonably short third shot. His second shot, low and straight, followed that plan.
“Wow, the right side of the green is considerably higher than the left,” he said to Birdie as they reached the ball, everyone else already lying three.
“You ain’t kidding. Definitely you want to aim high right here and expect a big break to the left. If you go in hot, there’s little chance of holding the green.”
After leaving his ball some twenty feet below the hole with a curling pitch, Louis two-putted for a par on the treacherous hill. Max and Birdie two-putted as well. Corky sized up his second putt from three feet above the hole. The sharp break would get anyone’s knees knocking. With Corky getting a stroke on the par-five, he and Mac could win the hole. The putt went high and rolled several feet by. It was not an easy putt coming back, but Corky made it. He kept his cursing low as he fished his ball out of the cup, taking three putts from a starting point of fifteen feet. He glanced at Mac, expecting a snide comment, but Mac just smiled mysteriously.
“I know what you’re thinking. Don’t give me the fuckin’ silent treatment, Slim.”
But that’s just what Mac did.
Everyone bogeyed the seventh hole, a lengthy par-four with a green that sat down below the fairway, with a decided tilt left. Hard for Louis to figure out the approach from a distance, but Birdie suggested landing the ball a little short of the green on the right side. Louis tried that, but the ball still ran left, rolled past the hole, and just off the green. A difficult par became an easy bogey.
“Whoever designed these greens had a devilish sense of humor,” Louis remarked.
“Chandler Egan was the man,” Birdie answered. “He designed quite a few courses on the West Coast, and even renovated Pebble Beach.”
“Eastmoreland’s a little cheaper to play,” Mac added, knowing the others were aware of the half-grand greens fees at the California course. “The views here aren’t as spectacular as Pebble Beach’s, unless you count seeing Corky St. Helens blow his top.”
“I wondered when you would get back to me, pal,” Corky groused. “If you could find the fairway once in a while, maybe we’d have a chance to win another hole.”
The long par-three eighth proved just as challenging as the seventh, though the hole was a flat one. No pars, with Corky carding a five after taking two shots from a greenside bunker. More faint growls, a temper moving toward the boiling point.
“Maybe,” Mac said loudly to Louis, “we can change partners after nine. My shoulders are getting tired.”
“As are we all of your bitching,” Corky rejoined. “Mind your own game.”
The par-five ninth would lead them back toward their starting point for the day. Once again, a controlled draw down the right side was the play for the four right-handers, and all four ended up OK, though Louis had to play from short rough on the right for his second. Greenside bunkers guarded the front of the narrow, two-tiered green. Some errant shots around the green cost everyone except Louis. He parred the hole to finish the nine at six-over par. Not good, but this was a tricky course to read. His side had won only one more hole, yet all the carry-overs after the second hole paid off handsomely.
“No need to adjust,” Louis observed. “We’re pretty evenly matched.”
Mac frowned. “That’s easy for you to say. At least Birdie can make three-foot putts.”
In a low voice, Birdie confided with Louis, “Sometimes, it’s better when they’re not paired as a team. Less vitriol.”
“I can see that might be better. Let’s hope they settle down with a new nine.”
The back nine began in front of the shingle-sided, low-profile clubhouse, but to reach it the golfers used the tunnel under SW28th, a busy thoroughfare, just as they did in the other direction when starting out. No one needed to get a snack from the clubhouse, so they immediately hit their drives on #10, the only shots on the course that anyone sitting on the narrow veranda could oversee if interested. Louis knew from the round at Rose City that Corky likely carried lukewarm beer in his bag that he would pull out later. “Tempo in a can,” he explained to Louis when he popped one out of the bag on that first occasion.
No beverage cart on the course, as far as Louis knew. Since Eastmoreland was a municipal course, alcohol was surely a no-no. He remembered a cool, windy day a few years back when he shared a pint of whiskey on the wild Carne course in Belmullet, a remote stop on a tour of courses in Ireland. The whiskey had given off some immediate warmth but proved to be of little help to the golfers’ swings. Today, the mild temps and calm wind made for easier playing conditions. He had dressed in layers at the start and had doffed one layer already. The sun peeked wanly through the clouds, promising some additional warmth for the second nine.
All four of them bogeyed the tenth. Louis had to negotiate a long chip shot up the slope of the large, elevated green to the second level, running the ball ten feet past the hole. He didn’t have a good sense of the surface speed. That’s OK, he thought to himself. He’d file the information away for the next time. He followed the others thirty yards left of the green, over to the slightly elevated 11th tee.
“Sharp dogleg right, a par-five,” Birdie told him. “Cut off as much of the penalty area to the right as you dare. You might hit the green in two if you succeed. Or hit something straight ahead and play the hole in three shots.”
Louis could see that the penalty area was unforgiving, looking suspiciously like a bayou, with tall reeds and brackish looking water, a tall sycamore tree hanging branches out over the water from the far side. Should he risk it? He decided to hit a three-metal more or less straight ahead. Again, he needed to know more about the hole to be aggressive. No one else took the risk either, but everyone carded a par except Corky, who left a four-foot putt short.
Mac shook his head. “We could have won that hole with your stroke there, partner. Got anything left?”
Corky looked somewhat dejected, but he didn’t say anything.
Screened initially from view by a row of flowering plums, the next tee lay only a few yards to the right of the 11th green. The par-three hole bordered a small lake, the southern tip of which needing to be cleared to reach the green safely. From that day’s tee markers, it figured to be about 160 yards to the flag, but to judge from the look of the tee, the hole could be lengthened to about 200 yards. What Louis saw directly left on the other side of the small lake made a stronger impression. Rhododendrons--white, lavender, pink, and red—were all in bloom, and people were strolling slowly along a path.
“It looks like a park over there,” he said aloud.
“Crystal Springs Rhododendron Garden,” Birdie told him. “Quite a sight this time of year. A creek that runs down through Reed College across the roadway feeds the lake. The lake borders this par-three and another, the 17th. Supposedly, there are salmon in the creek and lake some of the time. This course stays wet all of winter and in early spring. You can see why now.”
“That I can. My wife would love this place. She probably already knows about the garden, but I’ll be sure to tell her about the blooms.”
Birdie gazed again across the lake. “My Helen loved the blooms this time of year, too. I’m a widower now, but I think of her whenever I see those blooms.”
“Sorry to hear about your loss,” Louis said. “That’s a great way to remember her.”
Birdie tried to smile. He managed a nod, looking down at his feet.
Mallard ducks and their recent brood floated by in little armadas on the calm surface. It would be easy to forget about playing the hole. Corky popped his first beer of the round, apparently confident he wouldn’t be seen by a course ranger. He offered Louis a can, but Louis demurred. He could wait for the 19th and maybe get a chilled IPA draft.
“We’re playing ready golf, right?” Mac called from the teeing grounds, club in hand. “I don’t mean to steal honors, but let’s keep moving.”
Without pausing, he teed up and hit a six-iron up into the green’s center.
“Don’t worry,” Birdie said quietly to Louis. “The course circles around the garden. You’ll get some more views.”
No one else hit the large green. Louis and Birdie ended up just off the fringe in the back while Corky’s ball rammed into the big tree fronting the green on the right. Luckily, it stayed put upon landing and didn’t roll back into the lake. The front-to-back slope of the green was steeper than Louis had guessed from the tee, but he was helped by being on the high side where the hole lay. He chipped close enough to get his par, matching Mac. Both Birdie and Corky finished with fours.
“Now the next one is semi-famous,” Birdie said to Louis as they approached the 13th tee. “It seems Walter Hagen, back in the Stone Age, mentioned it as one of the best par-fives he had ever played.”
In this day and age, the hole as a par-five would be too short for the pros. From the middle trees, it ran uphill and slightly left some 220 yards to a wide ravine, the fairway sloping down on the left side. A quick hook would run down into a penalty area abutting the lake. Along the right ran a chain-link fence that fronted SW28th, but the distance was shorter to that fence than to the plateau that sat in front of the ravine.
“If you push or slice a drive here,” Birdie warned,” you’ll likely be against the fence or out on the road. Either way, not good. Stick to the right center if you can, with something less than a driver. Corky can hit a driver here, but we can’t.”
Louis tried to follow that advice, but the ball did not draw as he had hoped and appeared to skitter a bit toward the fence. While still in bounds, he might not have a clear shot to risk going over the ravine. Everyone else hit the fairway. Corky decided to lay up short of the ravine, while Mac and Birdie landed second shots safely onto the fairway on the other side. Louis had to chip his ball away from the fence but gauge the distance well to avoid rolling into the ravine. His ball and Corky’s lay only a few feet apart.
“Show me the way, Corky,” Louis said with a smile. Corky took a big swing with a fairway wood and popped the ball high in the air about forty yards at the most, clearing the deep ravine by a scant few feet. He ducked his head to avoid locking eyes with the others. No reason to acknowledge his luck.
“You probably want a little more yardage than that, Louis,” Mac quipped.
About two hundred yards remaining to the uphill green, Louis opted for the two-hybrid again, thinking he could hit it fairly straight. The ball took a great line all the way, hopping up onto the green with a healthy bounce.
“Great shot!” Birdie exclaimed. “That’s your money club for sure.”
Louis followed the others down to the right on a gravel roadway along the inside of the fence, emerging on the other side of the briar-filled ravine. He watched patiently as the others advanced to the green, none too expertly, as it turned out. Another severe dip in the fairway and a sharp rise to the green proved testing. Mac, at least, left his approach seemingly hole-high on the right apron. The others took an extra shot to get up onto the same level as the green, no one yet having a view of the results.
Cresting the hill a full five minutes after hitting his third shot, Louis finally could see how the last bounce ended up. His ball sat only a few inches from the flag. A tap-in for a birdie.
“Good thing I didn’t know anything about the hole,” Louis laughed. Mac and Corky didn’t react. They had both messed this hole up. Louis looked back appreciatively at the terrain covered. The others putted out and moved off the green back to their carts. Louis looked around. The course appeared to end suddenly.
“Where to now?”
Birdie smiled. The team had won another hole. “Follow me,” he called over his shoulder while pushing his cart over toward an opening in the fence that bordered the hole. Exiting the course to the left, they were immediately on a sidewalk along SW 28th and heading north. Birdie stopped and waited for Louis. “Imagine you’re an early explorer and have reached the end of a waterway in your canoe. Time for a portage.”
Louis realized they were passing a parking lot, a wooden sign indicating the entrance to the rhododendron garden. He checked the traffic behind him to make sure there were no cars approaching to turn into the lot, then followed Birdie down the sidewalk. He spotted a large sign across the street marking an entrance to Reed College. Another fifty yards down the sidewalk Louis saw the golf course reappearing on the left and finally an opening in the chain-link fence leading to the 14th tee. Mac and Corky arrived a few seconds behind them, neither looking at the other.
“A tempting entrance for the students, I would think,” Louis observed.
“Oh, yeah,” said Corky, breaking his silence. “Tell him that story about the stoned Reedies, Birdie.”
Birdie chuckled. He told this one often.
“Over the years students have snuck on the course just before dusk to play a hole or two. Some time back in the 70s, a few days before graduation three seniors decided it was time to try that stunt again. They had done so as freshmen, imbibing a quart or two of beer each. That had been fun, but now they wanted to try it with marijuana. So, after they shared a few joints, they grabbed a single bag of clubs, crossed the road, and teed up golf balls. Two of the fellas rarely played, but the other had some skill. Despite being stoned, he split the fairway with a three-wood and then laughed at the pathetic attempts of his buddies, who took several shots apiece to draw even with him. The light evidently was fading, but the 150-yard stick in the fairway gave him a fair idea of the yardage to the green. Barely able to stand straight, he swung at the ball with blind faith. He caught sight of it taking off, heading toward the green. Not enough light to see where the ball landed, but when the others gave up with both their golf balls going into that creek running across the hole, this fella, determined to finish, stumbled on. He got to the green, looked around, but no ball. He still had his golfer’s instincts working. He decided to check the hole, and there was the ball. He had eagled the hole while stoned out of his mind.”
“That must have seemed surreal,” Louis said. “Did they play on?”
“Too dark. Plus, the story goes that they all had serious cases of the munchies and were eager to get back to campus. The lucky fella tried to keep a lid on the happenings seeing that they could all get in trouble if college authorities found out. I heard the story from a customer in the diner and passed it on to these guys. Supposedly, the customer was in the same class at Reed.”
“And didn’t the lucky son-of-a-gun become a federal judge?” Corky offered up for confirmation.
“I can’t say for sure. But isn’t this so true about golf? The game can frustrate you virtually every round, sometimes multiple times. But then it gives back when you least expect it with a moment and memory like that.”
“That’s for sure,” Louis nodded. “I once scored an ace after carding a nine on the previous hole. Hardly the likely time to do that. Steam was still coming out of my ears when I swung with a “who cares?” attitude on the tee. We watched the ball go into the hole on the fly. My partners laughed harder than I did.”
“What didja shoot the next hole?” Corky asked.
“I can’t remember. Nothing remarkable, good or bad, I guess.”
“Still your honor after that birdie, Louis,” Mac called out, an unsubtle cue to pick up the pace.
Louis nodded, and remembering Birdie’s story, chose a three-wood to tee off. Could magic happen twice on the 14th? He swung smoothly, he thought, but he transferred his weight on the downswing a tad too quickly. The ball popped weakly forward and rolled a few yards ahead, no more than forty yards off the tee. He laughed, mostly in surprise. One thing golf taught you over sixty years: Don’t get ahead of yourself. Stay humble.
“Atta way to keep the charge going, Arnie,” Corky heckled.
Louis joined the others in laughter. No hiding his imperfect game. It looked like he had been initiated a second time today.

The IPA hit the spot. Just the right amount of fresh hops and faint hint of citrus that Louis trusted would pleasantly quench his thirst now the round was over. The final holes had not lacked drama. Time to relax, to recover. The four men sat at a small rectangular table on the clubhouse veranda looking every bit their age. The 10th tee and fairway lay out unoccupied before them. Corky had returned from the locker room after briefly cleaning up from his trying day. Putting the lost opportunities on the course behind them, the four basked in the early afternoon warmth. Nice to be sitting outside again after the winter hiatus, Louis thought. He had carded an 84, not bad on an unfamiliar and tricky golf course. He had finished the last five holes several strokes over par, with a double-bogey on the dogleg 16th. The hole required a layup because of a bayou-like penalty area along its right side. He had hit his four-iron too close to the reeds and tall grass fringing the water and had to pitch out to the fairway. The green lay tilted to the right, mostly hidden from view, but his ignorance may not have mattered. He missed the green to the left and took three more strokes to hole out. It was his only double-bogey of the round. No one else scored better over the five finishing holes. Maybe fatigue had set in. OMG – Old Man Golf.
Without much additional grousing, Corky now stood on the tee of the par-three 17th. The setting seemed placid enough. Looking out over the lake, Lewis noticed again the flowering rhododendrons. He suspected that Birdie, bearing a wistful expression, was thinking of Helen. The hole was playing 160 yards, but the tee shot required a full carry over the westernmost corner of Crystal Springs Lake. The only bailout area was long right. Left was definitely a dunking, too, and the safe area directly behind the green was only a yard or two before becoming terra incognita. Birdie’s ball landed just off to the right, while Louis and Mac had safely found the green. Corky’s ball fell short, and he mumbled a curse.
“Damn, that’s an expensive ball.”
Not that unusual, Louis thought. Like so many unskilled golfers, Corky preferred to use top-of-the-line balls like the professionals do, even though they didn’t suit his game. Louis knew that his own game had deteriorated enough that he was better off with less expensive ones.
For the first time in the round, Mac relented, “Use the forward tee as a drop area, pal. Save yourself more grief.”
That was a generous suggestion, the remaining carry being only about 90 yards from that tee. Given Corky’s penalty stroke, the offer was fine with Birdie and Louis. Corky, though, wanted to slay the dragon. Still sputtering, he re-teed and in his eagerness to finish the swing hit the ground a full inch behind the ball. While his first shot fell into the lake just short of the green, this one made it only halfway. Another splash. Louis hadn’t heard a concatenation of swear words that long in years. He didn’t mean to smile, but Corky’s creativity was impressive. Face beet red, Corky stormed up to the front tee. Louis held his breath, hoping that this third shot, by score Corky’s fifth stroke, actually would stay dry. Remarkably, it did, barely catching the front of the green. Likely it would be a seven if Corky two-putted, but he wasn’t quite ready to try.
“Gimme a hand, Mac,” he shouted when he located at last what he thought was his first ball sitting at the base of the wall facing the green, some ten feet below the surface. Mac clearly knew the drill. When Corky had pulled his aluminum ball retriever from his bag and extended it to its full length, he lowered it into the water with his right arm while holding his left arm behind him for Mac to grab and establish a secure anchorage. Leaning forward, Corky was at Mac’s mercy, but all might have been fine except that Corky’s rear foot slipped, throwing both Corky and Mac off balance. Down they went, Mac only to his knees, but Corky plunged headfirst into the cold lake. Mac had grabbed hold of Corky’s legs as they fell, and with Louis’s help hauled his partner back up to land. Corky hadn’t hurt himself, but he was winded and soaked to the waist. He had lost the ball retriever in the process of trying to save himself from the water. Amazingly, he had saved his cap, though that and the little white towel were drenched, too. He sat up gingerly on the grass embankment while the others tried to keep from laughing too hard.
“You never could dive worth a damn,” Mac chortled.
Corky was still too shaken to make a rejoinder. He was shivering. Louis handed him a clean towel he had stored in his golf bag. Everything had happened in a flash. Louis had wanted to tell Corky to let the ball go, that the effort to retrieve it wasn’t worth the trouble. It was a risky maneuver for older guys. But his newness to the group, despite the earlier initiations, had held him back. Why was that? These guys were no longer strangers. The rounds they had played together, albeit just two, had knitted them. Just walking together those several miles explained some of it, but even more so the shared frustrations of the game, inevitable athletic failings of golfers of any age, temporarily fell away before an unvoiced determination not to give up.
Funny, Louis thought, how guys his age and older remained as optimistic as kids that the next venture onto a course would bring with it an especially memorable pleasure. Weren’t his earlier birdie and the stoned Reedie’s eagle solid evidence? Come another mild morning, preferably a few degrees warmer, a new round with friends would start out a dauntless, shining act of derring-do, boldly to take on the world and triumph. Much like Don Quixote or Sancho Panza.
“Damn, I lost the ball retriever, too,” Corky lamented. “I was just getting the knack of using that thing. My biggest regret, though, is that I didn’t pull my partner in with me. He probably hasn’t had a bath in a few weeks.”
“You can forget about the ball,” Birdie said, “but let the fellas in the shop know about the retriever. You could get it back the next time they hire a diver to gather golf balls from the drink. It’s required by some law – state, EPA, or something – to have the lake cleaned up on a regular basis.”
“I think that’s right,” Mac added. “Who knows? Maybe, if you’re lucky, there will be a good-size salmon biting onto one end when they haul the contraption out. You’ll get dinner, too.”
Corky just shook his head. He trudged over to the last tee, saying nothing. He played his final shots joylessly and poorly, still shivering from his plunge.
“I sure hope I have another shirt in the back of my truck,” he grumbled to Birdie as they approached the green.
“I’ll make this quick,” Birdie said, as he stood over his third shot from the apron. He kept his word, knocking the chip straight into the flagstick and down into the hole. Louis and he had won the back nine and carded a birdie each.

They softened the blow by picking up the tab at the 19th. Sitting on veranda drinking their IPAs, they watched fellow golfers swing on the 10th tee. Directly across the table, Corky sat sulking wearing a loud Hawaiian-print shirt he had found in his truck. Louis decided to stick his neck out and say something.
“Corky, I’ll make you an offer. If we ever play this course together again—and I hope we do—I will hand you a brand new ball of my own to use on the 17th. And I won’t want you to return it later, nor will I accept a replacement. All I ask is that you don’t try to retrieve it if it goes into the drink.”
Mac interjected before Corky could reply. “How many balls did you say you’d hand him? The guy never says ‘die,’ you know.”
“That’s quite an offer, Corky,” Birdie said when the laughter subsided. Mustering up a scintilla of acceptance, Corky displayed a wry grin.
No big deal for Louis to make the ball offer, though he kept the reason to himself. He finally had a way to make use of all the economy-priced golf balls his kids had given him on Father’s Day over the years, the ones that sold in packs of eighteen, one for each hole, perhaps, in some round in the future. Hard as rocks, they were. That round had never come. Louis chose to buy balls in the medium-price range, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t play a fancier ball if he found one or his wife bought them for him, knowing he still had golf dreams.
“Louis, you haven’t obviously thought this through,” Mac said. “Have you figured out how much that offer could cost you a year if Corky insists Eastmoreland will be his home course?”
“Will be?” Corky echoed. “I proudly proclaim that this is my home course, gentlemen. Just try to keep me out of that lake. I just may have to play the hole in a wetsuit from now on.”
After a shared laugh, they fell silent. Birdie knew he had another daffy Corky & Mac story to share with his customers, the older ones anyhow. Mac, no doubt, would be regaling his wife at dinner with his own version. Louis laughed to himself. We’re a dying breed. Wasn’t municipal golf a losing proposition? Political pressure was growing for the Portland Parks Department to explore other land use options for its public courses. Was the game sustainable? The century was two decades old; the most frequent users of the courses were all about seven decades old. Younger adults didn’t want to take the time for a round or maybe shell out for greens fees, memberships, or equipment costs. Yet, oddly, when Louis did see younger folk playing, so often they were riding in carts, adding to those costs. The walk and the talk, that’s what Louis would miss most about the game when he quit playing, assuming he didn’t die first. Now, that was a pleasant thought. Images flashed by of some golfing companions gone before him. Some skilled, many not, but all hooked on the game. Pursuing a dream.
Momentarily, he had forgotten where he was. Shifting back in his chair, he refocused on the smiling, grizzled faces around the table, two pale and one darker, his newfound band of brothers. He blinked, then inserted himself back into their midst.
“Who’s up for another round?”
“Here?” Birdie asked, holding up his empty glass. “Or out there?” He swept his free arm out toward the broad, green swaths of tee box, short rough, and fairway stretching toward a distant mound where a lone flag gently waved. And yet, not all that far away, Louis realized. He shrugged.
“Were I younger, I’d say ‘both.’”

With thanks to Kathy Hauff, course superintendent, for help identifying trees.



New Kindle Edition of Through Noise and Silence Now Available from Amazon

The new science fiction novel Through Noise and Silence is now available in a Kindle edition for $9.95. Now you can read this gripping tale winding through the mysterious iterations created with quantum physics in a digital edition for $9.95, less than half the price of the paperback. Order your copy from Amazon now and save!

New S.F. Novel Now Available

In a world swept by waves of cataclysm and grace, Mick Morris crests them with ease. Founder of the Stanley Institute, he deftly juggles its quantum physics research, commercial development, and government limits with admirable aplomb going on fifteen years. What could possibly go wrong? Mick’s daughter Meg soon finds out.

As CEO, she guides the Institute in search of the next, great solution to unlock astonishing possibilities in spectacular realities. Yet obstacles large and small impede her, from mundane office issues to mortal danger. Meg and her stellar team are bent on achieving the Institute’s ultimate goals:  solutions to worldwide hunger, poverty, pandemics, and of course, environmental devastation. But theirs is a world running out of time.

 Through Noise and Silence travels fantastic pasts and futures, distant planets and universes through dimensions unknown. Its search for harmony for all is a trip well worth the taking.

Available in trade paperback now!

An Old-New Poem Still a Work in Progress

I started writing the poem Fall Leave in 1973 and put it away as a “work in progress.” Little did I know. Looking at various drafts –1973,1976, 1977, 2019, and 2023 — I finally decided to put it out and let it go. There are many parts I like, and plenty of youthful flourishes that I acknowledge. Here it is below.